Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
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I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
welp
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.