How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
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I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing