every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
You Might Also Like
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon