Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
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“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
i prefer mine room temperature.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Still a very good boi….
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
This is a sub tweet
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there