I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
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911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what