Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
You Might Also Like
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.