wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
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My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me