Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.