I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
the battle rages on
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month