Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
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I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
selfie game
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
There’s never enough good news
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.