Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
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I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.