Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
That lamp looks PISSED.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.