My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Stonehinge
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”