I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
this came to me in a vision
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there