doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
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I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
No chill.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums