urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
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DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
my one true gender
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart