So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
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U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what