Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
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[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
For when Tinder doesn’t work
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.