she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad