[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
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Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?