You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
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My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
馃
Dilated Pupils
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!