8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
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Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.