Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
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He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
“what that mouth do?” complain
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating