[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
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I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.