If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?