Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Fries, not lies.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm