When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
You Might Also Like
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it