Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
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It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
If only.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.