Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
My mom didn鈥檛 want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
They鈥檙e the worst 馃槱
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
the three branches of government
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.