On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
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Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out