On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
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I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Breaking news:
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
A new level of troll.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
For the orator and chef in all of us
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life