These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
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My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
those birds must be on payroll
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.