My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
The government even made aliens boring
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”