Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
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It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do