TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
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Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Stop sending me this shit.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into