Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
You Might Also Like
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*