My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
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Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.