@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
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He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me