“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
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I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.