My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
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The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell