Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
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paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
✌️
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.