my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
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What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb