HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
three things we don’t talk about
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…