My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.