WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
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WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Pat is about to own someone
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]