*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Good point.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
(Gaming support cat.)
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.