Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Cat is stressing him out.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I am having an out of money experience.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!