I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment