[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
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Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life