I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
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Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL